


Blind Double Date

by Jauntyjabberwocky



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Cute, Silly Prompt, just for fun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 15:41:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15643818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jauntyjabberwocky/pseuds/Jauntyjabberwocky
Summary: When the Scarecrow gets a phone number after a heist, Harley insists on a double date! What has he gotten himself into?(File this under shenanigans, I wanted to write something cute. OC cause gotta make him a date. :P )





	1. What did I get into?

**Author's Note:**

> One of my many Crane fics. This time I got a silly idea and just kinda rolled with it. Using a sort of Suicide Squad (in theater version) Joker and Harley dynamic. The original chapters were suuuuuper short, so I'm going to toss them up together while I figure out the formatting on Archive as a first timer.

Crane was thoroughly confused, turning the scrap of paper this way and that with a furrowed brow.

"Are ya gonna call it or what?" Harley played with the straw in her decorative cocktail, smiling pleasantly at the professor.

"I'm pretty sure it's some kind of joke." One of his henchmen had handed him the scrap of paper after their most recent job. He couldn't say he was exactly fond of a basic bank robbery, such cliche antics were well beneath him, but the chemical supplies he needed didn't come cheap. They had been in, they had been out, and yet somewhere along the way a supposed woman had the time to hand one of his men a scrap of paper to hand to him. Call me, it said with a little heart, a phone number written in purple gel ink.

"Well you won't know unless you try it." she hummed, eyes drifting over to her love, who was wrapping up some business at one of the other tables. Finally Crane dialed the number, face twisted in annoyance and preparing for one of the men he hired to have been stupid enough to arrange this practical joke. But instead a female voice answered,

"Hello? Fair speaking, who's this?" his eyes doubled and he immediately hung up the phone, all but slamming it down on the table.

"What?" Harley's attention was back in an instant, Joker heading their way.

"This might not have been a joke."

"Well yeah, who'd be stupid enough to pull a prank on the Master of Fear?" Harley quipped.

"Present company excluded." Joker chimed in with a smirk, leaning in to grab a handful of her hair and tip her head back to drink in her lips. She pulled away giggling after indulging.

"Someone gave the professor their phone number." she filled in her Puddin'.

"Ooooh? Is our Johnny-boy getting lucky?" Crane's frown only deepened.

"I don't see why-" the phone on the table started buzzing, he lifted it to see the number he had just dialed. "She's calling back." he wasn't supposed to sound panicked about it, but something about this situation was reminding him far too much of high school. He was waiting for everyone to jump out and laugh at him. Instead the Joker plucked the phone from his fingers and answered.

"Hello! You've reached the phone of one Jonathan Crane. Joker speaking. Text your address to this device, and we'll pick you up tomorrow at 8 pm. Wear something nice." and with that he hung up the phone, the matter decided. Crane wasn't so certain.

"Who in their right mind would possibly-" the phone vibrated again, and Joker held it open to show the address had been sent.

"You got yourself a date!" Harley squealed with delight, "Double date night!" she clung to Joker, who did a once over on Crane.

"You're not going to wear that, are you?"  
\-------  
Crane still wasn't so sure about this. Any of it, in fact. Joker driving, the more business-like suit Harley had insisted Crane wear, the JOKER ultimately being in charge of this event, not to mention he still had no idea who would be stupid enough to ask out the Scarecrow of all people in Gotham. He couldn't honestly imagine this going any flavor of well, on top of constantly waiting for the punchline. In Joker's case, he wouldn't be surprised if that would be a literal punch in the gut. He wouldn't put it past the clown-king-of-crime.

They peeled into the apartment complex right at 8, Crane's jaw set and glare boring stubbornly into the seat in front of him. He was set to just get through this, get it over with. Harley was the first to climb out, her hair curled and form fitting black and red dress sparkling from every angle. She waved and gave a shout.

"Hey! You the one? Come on down." as much as he tried to resist, eventually curiosity got the best of him and he turned to see who (or what) was running down the stairs. It was nothing he would have expected. Down came a petite little thing in a dark purple dress as sparkly as Harley's, matching heels not hindering the way she practically flew down the stairs. Short black hair was twisted up and back in a very pixie-esque style, which he only thought of that word because her figure and surgically pointed ears made the comparison obvious. Not to mention the sheer amount of glitter. Her cringed just looking at it, and mentally prepared himself for a vapid night of giggling overly girlish antics. Already Harley was squealing,

"You are so cute! Harley Quinn." she held out a hand to shake but the purple girl went in for a hug instead.

"Good to meet you! I'm Fair!" she declared boldly, peaking into the car to wave at the Joker and glancing back at Crane, her smile widening further. Crane further prepped himself for the obvious instability this girl was going to throw his way. She climbed into the back seat and already saw fit to invade his personal space (or maybe the back seat of the sports car the two had selected was cramped in general).

"Sorry for the confusion, I figured yall were in a hurry at the robbery, so told your guy to wait till after. Glad you decided to shoot me a call though."

"I can't say I understand why you would willingly hand your number out to a known criminal." they were already driving, Joker peeling out of the lot and nearly hitting another resident in the process. She just grinned.

"I liked your shtick." Her eyes trailed over his attire and he forced himself to keep his face blank, bored even.

"You clean up pretty nice." she grinned, "though I like the other outfit too." His attention went to Joker up front, who has his usual mad smile in place.

"So where are we going?" he asked the clown, only to get a disapproving tsk.

"Jonny, Jonny, Jonny! If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise!" The two up front laughed, though Crane wasn't feeling it.

"So, I'm obligated to ask, how much of the rumors about all of you are true anyhow?" Despite knowing what she'd heard, Fair didn't seem nearly as worried as she ought to be. It made Crane instantly suspicious. Was she a plant of some kind? Just what was she after?

"Depends on what you've heard." Harley quipped. Fair settled in, inclined to staying leaned forward slightly, her dress dipping down into a backless scoop of loos fabric.

"Well, I'm sure you know all about us, so go on tell us about you." Joker insisted. Some might say there was an undercurrent of threat to those words, but that was to be expected with him. Fair answered without missing a beat.

"Well I'm a dancer, do a lot of traveling, just moved here. I'm having a performance this Thursday, if anyone wants to pop by"

"Oooh, a dancer! Did you hear that Harles? Just imagine the fun you two could have."

"I've been in gymnastics for foreva!"

"Oh, do you do lira? Silks?"

"I do!"

"I'd love to see that sometime!" Yup, just as Crane thought. Honestly the two ladies may as well be going off on their own date. Not that he really considered this a date. She leaned in though, without a second thought murmuring in his ear,

"You don't seem too thrilled to be here."

"Oh no, my ideal design is spending a night on the town with two clowns and a...what, elf?" he all but hissed back at her, finally glancing over to see purple eyes blink at him. Contacts, he would imagine.

"Well, I can't force you to have fun." she confessed, turning away and putting as much distance as the backseat allowed between them.

Great. Way to go, Crane. They hadn't even gotten to their destination and already he was making a wonderful first impression.

"I'm sorry, I'm not...used to this sort of thing." he apologized as they pulled up, parking in something that was not a parking spot at all. She turned a smile back as the other two left the car first, Harley stretching dramatically. The other two followed behind, Fair lacing an arm with Crane's without a second thought as they approached the door. Security let them pass with no real issue, the restaurant inside empty save for the table obviously set up for their little party.

"Great choice Mistah J!"

"The food here is just to die for!" the Joker laughed as each found a seat and were handed a menu. Crane considered if he should humor this whole thing and pull out her chair for her, but she beat him to such a consideration.

"So...Fair. As in fairy?" Crane made the question casual as he glanced over the menu with disinterest. Her grin doubled in size.

"You'd be amazed at how many people don't get it. But I took you for a Scarecrow with brains." she winked.

"It's kinda obvious." Harley chimed in, though she was quickly getting distracted by her Puddin'.

"Which begs the question," Crane began but Joker interrupted, as Harley climbed onto his lap with a coo,

"What's a nice thing like you doing with people like us."

With three predators staring her down Fair's smirk gained a hint of mischief.

"Who said anything about being nice?" the other two laughed, and placed their orders. Crane calmly followed suit. Fair told them to surprise her. Drinks were filled and Joker opened a bottle of wine by breaking off the top of it, making a mess he didn't much care about and filling each of their glasses.

"A toast! To double dates! We really should do this more often." he spoke the last more to his own date, who added playfully,

"If this goes well we can always take these two home." she purred, which was about the time when Crane checked out of their conversation, turning to his Fair in the hopes that anything she would have to say could possibly be better than the clownish sweet talk and less sweet talk.

"You still didn't answer the question. Aren't Fairies-" she seemed to expect his line of thought.

"Just how much do you know about the traditional renditions?" she paused and swirled her wine, taking a healthy drink. Crane's brow furrowed.

"You mean Shakespeare? Oberon, Puck-" she shook her head.

"Older." this time he waited and allowed her to continue.

"As only one of hundreds of examples, you could examine Pan. In some renditions a Greek God, in some categorized as Fae, and historically the inspiration for the later Christian images of Satan. In fact, most of what would later be referred to as daemons, demons, what have you, were inspired by or traditionally known as? Faerie. Or Spirit, I suppose. The two have been rather interchangeable. But the point is?" she tipped back the rest of her drink and set the glass down, "if you know anything at all about the fae before Disney got their grubby little paws on the idea, then you'll have a much better time understanding why I'm here."

"So, what, you're talking stuff like Rumpelstiltskin?" Fair turned her smile to Joker.

"As one example."

"And how, exactly, would you explain the Disney interpretation then?" Crane wasn't keen on letting the other two regain control of the conversation, as well as being surprised she had anything of substance at all beneath all that glitter.

"Well, on top of Disney sticking to nicer tellings of not so nice tales to appeal to a wider audience, you can examine their take on fae via one character: Tinker Bell. See, in the first movie she was a very accurate portrayal of what are ideals for many, though hardly all, pixies. Anyone who says she is all nice because of the newer movies created specifically to market to mindless little girls, or little girls Disney would prefer to keep mindless so as to better make money off of them, are clearly forgetting the first Peter Pan. Where she convinced the Lost Boys to try and murder Wendy. Though, of course, this is only glancing at the first few centimeters at the tip of the iceberg. In truth the phenomena of Fae presents itself in thousands of ways across every culture, leading to a wide variety in expected behaviors with a select few universal truths. But, if you're looking at even the nicest of more traditional tales the lessons to be learned are always the same. If you cross a Fae, however it is such a behavior is interpreted, you're sure to regret it. And we are nothing if not? Fair Folk." The last two words held a hint of an accent, though not enough for him to be able to distinguish if it were Irish or Scottish. It was gone as quick as it came. She winked in conclusion, already making steady work of a second glass.

"If, of course, you believe in such things. Alternately, I am rather fond of the aesthetic. What little girl hasn't looked at a faerie and thought, now that is terribly pretty?" she gave a giggle, though it was clear enough to Crane she had studied this topic well enough to be capable of talking on it for hours at least. A peculiar choice of study, but it gave away her interest in academia all the same. Perhaps he had been a touch too quick on his initial judgement.

"I could be a Unicorn." Harley hummed, imagining herself with the pointy horn atop her head, blood dripping down from the sparkly white decoratively.

"The last city I was in had whole communities where we dressed how we pleased, as what we pleased. Though Gotham doesn't seem to take as well to the unusual." Their food arrived before a retort could be given.

"Eat up, kiddos! We've got a full night ahead of us!" Joker declared, which in itself brought Crane back to worrying about just what the clown was planning. He very much doubted this was a simple date night from the beginning. Joker wanted something, he always did. By the end of the night, he would no doubt get it. Crane's primary concern for the evening would be to make sure he could get himself out of what ever heat the Joker would inevitably bring down. And, perhaps, if his would be date proved to be interesting enough, he would extend the favor of getting her to the end of the night alive as well. After all, it wasn't every day anyone at all thought to ask Crane out. The more she talked the more genuine the situation seemed to be, he was almost starting to believe she in fact just wanted a date night. Almost. They would see where such an evening wound up.


	2. Try to have fun

Fair slipped into the world with a casual ease Crane almost envied. He'd always been that awkward boy hiding in the background, able to communicate with others only in the academic setting. And even there, his interactions tended to be brief and condescending at best. People didn't like him. They feared him. The tolerated him because of the intelligence and skills he had to offer. He watched this little sprite flit between conversations with Harley and Joker effortlessly. Watched her remain unphased by a single one of either's antics. Noticed the way her eyes lit up with interest each time he did little more than lean in, flickering over his face with rapt fascination. She moved as easily and carelessly as a breeze, and that was before Harley insisted on shots. Which was as soon as they got into the club Joker brought them to. The giddy thing of purple and glitter beside him shimmered through the room, greeting one person after the next as if they had each been friends since childhood, before settling back down at his side.

"I could introduce you to folks, if you'd like. Though you'll have to tell me which name you want me to use." She made it playful, taking the chance to place a hand on his chest, which was only easy for her to do since he was seated. "I could always just call you my cute one." his brow raised, not going for it, one skeletal hand snapping around her tiny wrist. Instead of pulling her off he leaned in, noticing faintly the shiver under his palm. His words came as low of a murmur as the pounding music would allow.  
"I don't think cute is an apt adjective." She responded without missing a beat,  
"My delightfully sinister date for the evening. Who knows-" her attention snapped away from him, eyes narrowing if only slightly on a target entering the establishment. Now there, was the glare of a predator. His own interest followed hers, attempting to determine which of the three who had walked in she was focused on, if not all of them. He didn't determine who before she slid one leg up to crawl into his lap, leaving his face bright red and wide eyes back to her.

"Speaking of sinister, hold that thought my dear." she brushed the words over his ear, and slid off his lap as smoothly as she had approached. With the sudden bold distraction, he couldn't help but note the way her hips swayed with every step as she approached the three to the time of the music. Smile on her face, she stopped to stand in front of the curvy blond woman, who returned the smile. To the unobservant they might look like the best of friends reuniting, but Crane was wonderfully trained in spotting the truth. This wasn't the same casual friendly greetings he'd seen through the night. Both despised the other, but had thrown on a smile for the sake of social society. The blond motioned to male companions next to her in introduction, earning a nod from Fair. He couldn't hear them from here, or read their lips, but his curiosity was peaked. He rose from the chair, casually winding his way over until he could begin to make out the conversation.

"-Oh this old thing? You're too kind. I saw your latest photo-set, absolutely stunning!" Fair was playing the game. It wasn't Crane's taste in the least, he would have called this whole date a bust if not for the unmistakable glint of malicious intent he had seen in her eyes. Would she act on it though? Or shy away like so many of the other cowards he had encountered? There had been nothing cowardly about her so far.  
"Thanks! You had a dance coming up, didn't you? Oh! You should come check out our new movie we're working on."  
"I heard about that, you're the leading actress, aren't you?" there it was. The most subtle hint of incoming destruction to that smile.  
"Oh, it's just a small thing. We appreciate the support we're getting from everyone." The blond's attention moved to Crane, providing a perfectly sickly sweet smile. It reminded him instantly of Sherry Squires.  
"We hope you'll check it out. Here, I have a flyer." she had several, in fact. She held one out not for Fair but for Crane, Fair intercepting the paper with a swift hand.  
"We'll be sure to check it out." she leaned in and gave the blond a hug before the other could object, though her muscles tensed beneath it. He could swear Fair whispered something in her ear, but he couldn't make out a word over the music. Fair turned back to him with an all too pleased smile.  
"Shall we?" 

Was that all? A little social play? How boring. Crane frowned, but still let her wind her arm into his as they made their way back to the now empty table. (Where had the Joker and Harley gone?)  
"An old friend?" Crane inquired casually.  
"Something like that." she was still smiling ear to ear, adding with a sing-song voice, "Wait for it..." she grabbed another shot, knocking it back easily. Wait for what, exactly? What could she have possibly done in that small amount of-  
No more than two minutes and the blond was storming over to them through the crowd, fury unmistakable at her face. It was a miracle she didn't strike down the smaller Fair then and there, who reacted by simply settling down into Crane's lap.  
"I never said that!" the woman all but shouted, leaving a smiling Fair to inquire,  
"Never said what, my dear?"  
"I never said that! I never said that! I never said that!" the words flew from her lips, the same sentence over and over again, angry and desperate tears beginning to well up in the woman's eyes. Fair's head tilted, delightfully mischievous.  
"Are you alright? Poor thing. You really should be more careful who you play with." Crane saw the craze in the blonde's expression, already scooting both of them away instinctively when the women reached out hands for Fair with a shriek. It did little good, the small sprite was wrenched to her feet and the blonde was readying a punch. His hands were on the toxin canister in his jacket pocket, when Fair held up a hand and smiled at the blonde again.

"You're making a scene." sure enough, most of the crowd had stopped to stare. It worked to draw the blondes attention away, a fevered gaze turning to terror as she realized the judgmental looks of the crowd were upon her. A few even held cell phones, eager to record the downfall of their fellow man. All Fair had to do, was hold up her hands in surrender and look mildly shocked by the exchange. The women dropped her, rushing out through the crowd and disappointing the onlookers wanting drama. The two men who had come with her followed, looking both concerned and confused. The scene settled down, and Fair returned to his lap with a happy little hum.  
"That, was a well earned gift." she raised the single drink he had been nursing, holding it out for him to take up again as she continued, "She didn't appreciate what I gave her before, so she gets that now. She will probably try to kill me for this. It's impossible to continue as an actress when you can only say a single sentence. But she knows she can't do it here. When she does make her move, I'll give her something else."

So she wasn't a complete fool after all. One of the metas he had heard of, perhaps? He had just enough drink in his system to mirror her bolder motions and rest his free hand on the small of her back. She didn't object.  
"And what other things are you planning to give?" she only smirked, not willing to give the details so easily.  
"Hmmm, sorry, what was that? I was imagining the other things those lips of yours could do..." she was leaning in with the words, he felt his face turn red again instantly, having to internally remind himself of who and what he had become. He wasn't that stumbling fool of a boy set up to be mocked and ridiculed. He was the master of fear. And that meant, he would simply have to discover the deepest darkest of this delightful little pixie who had sidled up to him.  
"You seem very confident in your ability to handle yourself around me. Aren't you worried I'll drag out your terrors in the night?" He didn't quite let her close that last centimeter of distance.  
"Sounds delightful. Lets give it a whirl." before he could question her resolve, her lips came crashing into his. This time, no one jumped out to laugh at him. No one even noticed. No one cared. He felt rather than heard a hum from her tongue, and closed his eyes to return the favor.  
"Shall we ditch the clowns?" it had been a whisper in his ear, or as much of one as the drowning music allowed. Fair held up with one finger to show she had snagged the car keys, making Crane's eyes widen. Stealing from the Joker? She wasn't brave she was stupid! And yet, he found a lazy smirk forming over his lips as he finished his drink and she finished hers before offering for him to chose,  
"Where to?" perhaps uncharacteristic for him, but the usual bold habits of the master of fear had reclaimed their pull. There was a pretty girl in his lap, flirting with him beyond reproach, clearly dangerous in her own right and not someone to turn his back on, but then he wasn't without his own venomous bite as well. One hand on the small of her back pulled her closer with a chuckle,  
"Well, if it's my choice, why not my place?" the "faerie" agreed.

By the time they made it back to his closest hide away, which wasn't even a ten minute drive, his world had begun to spin. A bit much to drink, Johnny? He might have paid more attention to it, if her hands and lips hadn't been traveling over him from the moment they took off, careless disregard for the danger of distracting the driver. She still wasn't letting up as he tried to fish out the keys, standing on her tippy toes and barely able to reach his neck.  
"Fair, I'm going to need to get the door open," another chuckle for the pout he was greeted with, "be a good girl and show patience." too much? No, she only grinned all the more and tucked her arms behind her back. He made note of the response being favorable. Once the door was open, he would tuck another hand at the small of her back to sweep her inside and close the door.  
"Now, about the earlier promise..." while it was true he found the pleasant distractions of lips and nimble fingers produced the chemical reactions that let him easily see how one might grow addicted to such affairs, still his mind traveled to the first promise. How musically would she scream? Though that didn't keep him from dipping his head to hers as he contemplated which of his tools would be good to try out on her first. She was obviously willing. Did he want to take his time with some smaller samples, work his way up to the more advanced stuff? Take his time with a willing subject? Not that he expected her to remain that way for long. His hands in turn traveled, she had so much skin open and all of it was powder fresh soft. Distracting. As was the perfume drifting off her skin, making his head spin all the more. Wait. It was actually spinning. A lot. His knees found the floor as his smile faltered and he noticed just how dizzy he was.

"What the..." his words slurred, as the rest of him found the floor. Too heavy to get up.  
"Oh? Too much? Hmmm, I only gave you a little...peculiar..." she sounded so innocent. So bloody innocent in tone, as he realized she had drugged him. When he glanced at her, the world began to mist over, and she was smiling at him. And didn't look human at all. Black eyes held starlight in them, reflected back a swirl of cosmos. Small pale pink antlers curved back from her head, the small point of ears had become knives at the sides of her head in dramatic silhouette, and insectoid dragonfly wings fluttered behind her. Three pairs, pointed and thin and pink.  
"What did you-" he tried to ask, but the words didn't come out right.  
"Sssssh, don't worry. It'll be fun." Her lips found his again, and his world went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I say this was going to be cute? Well...about as cute as I can manage. :P


End file.
